February 15th , 2005 Part II

I find myself lost in pieces of who I am. As much as I might like to pretend I am not the same old me. Sometimes I still am. Sometimes I am not, and don't even notice.

There is nothing wrong with the same old me, except that if the core self, the atman, the divine, is to emerge, the patterns of ego that define me and limit me will need to dissolve, like some kind of fizzling medicine dropped into water.

Mindful or mindfulness, I notice me watching "I". I sometimes am happily surprised that the parts of me that once held me captive, have apparently disappeared.

Sitting beside a friend at a class, I listened when she said she couldn't stay and talk 'aloud' in the group. She then bolted from class, using a bathroom break as an excuse. I knew how she felt, I remember well that part of me that was so overwhelmed with fear that I was paralyzed. I remember my pounding heart, by gut wrenching in fear, and my avoidance actions.

I guess that is how it is. We change, sometimes after years of practice and hard work, and we don't even notice. It is the "friends and family" who are 'going through' it who remind us of our old patterns.

There is work to do on pieces of me. There are personal fears to confront. There are patterns of behavior that waste energy and time to recognize and slay.

There is, in spite of all the work, a clear light that sprinkles the landscape of my self, and washes away the limits, if only for a moment. And, moment into moment, in a collective wave of silent light, is stillness.